Saturday, May 27, 2006
Vote Xena, and all the kings horses?!
Before my ramble, I'd like to request that... oh, everyone on the planet go over to Teavee.com and vote for Xena:
Xena: Warrior Princess at Teavee.com
It's unfortunately in second place at the moment for best TV show. So, please go vote every five minutes (who needs sleep?), or as much as you can. The voting ends June 1st. Yes, it's fairly pointless, but for whatever reason, I've become emotionally invested in the outcome.
The logic of nursery rhymes
Let me say up front: while I read all the time as a child, I didn't read nursery rhymes, Dr. Seuss, etc. It was just never my thing. None the less, at least one has apparently penetrated my brain enough to be the subject of the very first voice memo I left myself, back in December.
Yes, friends, it's another MP3 (90k in size) of my lovely mumbling voice:
The translation: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... really, you know, big-ass dude like that, breakable, he really shouldn't be sitting on a wall."
If you ask me, ol' Humpty was just looking for trouble. He was an egg. He had to know if he fell, he wasn't gonna make it. He must have had a death wish by climbing that wall.
But it's not the rescue squad was any better. I can see sending the King's men, but expecting the King's horses to help put him back together is just silly. If anything, they probably just made things worse. Their fine motor skills are a bit lacking, what with those hooves of theirs and all.
So, as you can clearly see, I've put entirely too much thought into this. I can't remember what I did five minutes ago, but my brain is busy working on non-essential junk. It's good to have my priorities straight.
This just in from Tango the Wonder Kitty: "xac." I don't know what it means, but Tango just typed it, so it must mean something. It could be a coded message to all his Tango's New World Order recruits. Be warned.
(0) comments
Xena: Warrior Princess at Teavee.com
It's unfortunately in second place at the moment for best TV show. So, please go vote every five minutes (who needs sleep?), or as much as you can. The voting ends June 1st. Yes, it's fairly pointless, but for whatever reason, I've become emotionally invested in the outcome.
The logic of nursery rhymes
Let me say up front: while I read all the time as a child, I didn't read nursery rhymes, Dr. Seuss, etc. It was just never my thing. None the less, at least one has apparently penetrated my brain enough to be the subject of the very first voice memo I left myself, back in December.
Yes, friends, it's another MP3 (90k in size) of my lovely mumbling voice:
The translation: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... really, you know, big-ass dude like that, breakable, he really shouldn't be sitting on a wall."
If you ask me, ol' Humpty was just looking for trouble. He was an egg. He had to know if he fell, he wasn't gonna make it. He must have had a death wish by climbing that wall.
But it's not the rescue squad was any better. I can see sending the King's men, but expecting the King's horses to help put him back together is just silly. If anything, they probably just made things worse. Their fine motor skills are a bit lacking, what with those hooves of theirs and all.
So, as you can clearly see, I've put entirely too much thought into this. I can't remember what I did five minutes ago, but my brain is busy working on non-essential junk. It's good to have my priorities straight.
This just in from Tango the Wonder Kitty: "xac." I don't know what it means, but Tango just typed it, so it must mean something. It could be a coded message to all his Tango's New World Order recruits. Be warned.
(0) comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The TNWO
********** ALERT **********
We interrupt this irregularly scheduled ramble to bring you an important announcement. Please, read it.
********** ALERT **********
A disturbing... well, disturbance has come to my attention. You've probably heard the warnings about using MySpace, due to predators, etc. You may also be aware I was enlisted to create a MySpace profile for Tango the Wonder Kitty.
What you may not know -- indeed, I wasn't aware of it until quite recently -- is what I've come to call Tango's New World Order, or TNWO for short.
Recently, the lovely Tyris contacted me via my MySpace profile. She is a reader of my rambles, and has a cat named Spot. Visit Tyris' profile to see a slideshow of her furry companion (and a beautiful, darling, and simply spiffy Betty Boop street sign, which I probably should mention I made). This is when it all began.
It started innocuously enough -- a coded message from Tango to Spot ("the eagle flies at dawn"), and then back again ("the crow is in the cornfield"). But soon, a bigger picture emerged.
It has been revealed Tango, Spot, and untold numbers of other internet-connected cats (there are way more than you think, trust me), are using the net to bring about this new world order. The details are still unclear, but evidence points to a form of human enslavement, possibly involving the erosion of the o-zone layer. Tyris' and my theory is thus:
The more eroded the o-zone layer becomes, the hotter the planet becomes. To escape the heat and potentially deadly sun rays, people naturally retreat indoors... which is where their cats are. Do you see the genius? The more the humans are indoors, the more attention, food, treats, catnip, etc., the humans give their cats.
As you can see, it's a widespread conspiracy, and it's lead by none other than Tango himself.
I've always wondered why he liked to lay on my printer/scanner/copier so much. Now I see he's been using it to further his nefarious plans. Here I was thinking he was making blank copies by randomly walking on the buttons, but what if they really aren't blank, but can be read by other cats? What if he's scanning in and copying recruitment materials? I have noticed a marked reduction in my printer paper supply as of late.
You may be wondering where dogs fit into the grand scheme of things. Their role is as it has always been: entertainment for the cats. At least, that's how it is in my house. Plus dogs are good for manual labor, and are willing to work for treats and rawhide chews.
And don't think those of you without one or more cats are immune from their plans. I haven't been able to piece together that part of the plan, but it's there. No one is safe.
I'll keep you updated as details become available. If Tango says it's okay, of course.
We interrupt this irregularly scheduled ramble to bring you an important announcement. Please, read it.
********** ALERT **********
A disturbing... well, disturbance has come to my attention. You've probably heard the warnings about using MySpace, due to predators, etc. You may also be aware I was enlisted to create a MySpace profile for Tango the Wonder Kitty.
What you may not know -- indeed, I wasn't aware of it until quite recently -- is what I've come to call Tango's New World Order, or TNWO for short.
Recently, the lovely Tyris contacted me via my MySpace profile. She is a reader of my rambles, and has a cat named Spot. Visit Tyris' profile to see a slideshow of her furry companion (and a beautiful, darling, and simply spiffy Betty Boop street sign, which I probably should mention I made). This is when it all began.
It started innocuously enough -- a coded message from Tango to Spot ("the eagle flies at dawn"), and then back again ("the crow is in the cornfield"). But soon, a bigger picture emerged.
It has been revealed Tango, Spot, and untold numbers of other internet-connected cats (there are way more than you think, trust me), are using the net to bring about this new world order. The details are still unclear, but evidence points to a form of human enslavement, possibly involving the erosion of the o-zone layer. Tyris' and my theory is thus:
The more eroded the o-zone layer becomes, the hotter the planet becomes. To escape the heat and potentially deadly sun rays, people naturally retreat indoors... which is where their cats are. Do you see the genius? The more the humans are indoors, the more attention, food, treats, catnip, etc., the humans give their cats.
As you can see, it's a widespread conspiracy, and it's lead by none other than Tango himself.
I've always wondered why he liked to lay on my printer/scanner/copier so much. Now I see he's been using it to further his nefarious plans. Here I was thinking he was making blank copies by randomly walking on the buttons, but what if they really aren't blank, but can be read by other cats? What if he's scanning in and copying recruitment materials? I have noticed a marked reduction in my printer paper supply as of late.
You may be wondering where dogs fit into the grand scheme of things. Their role is as it has always been: entertainment for the cats. At least, that's how it is in my house. Plus dogs are good for manual labor, and are willing to work for treats and rawhide chews.
And don't think those of you without one or more cats are immune from their plans. I haven't been able to piece together that part of the plan, but it's there. No one is safe.
I'll keep you updated as details become available. If Tango says it's okay, of course.
(0) comments
Saturday, May 13, 2006
You like me, you really like me
I am pleased to report I have received a ground swell of support from my loyal reading audience (3 people!) regarding my ramblings. That has inspired me to ramble again, despite the very real obstacle of not having an actual topic. That hasn't exactly stopped me before.
Oh, sure, there are blogs out there which actually write about things like politics, human rights, low-flow toilets (gosh, I love Dave Barry!), that sort of thing. But that's not my style. No, my style is... um...
I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out. Don't hold your breath.
Okay, technically, I have three topics, as pointed out by the lovely Erin, based on some voice memos I've left for myself over the last few months. I think I'll split them up into different rambles, otherwise this one will be very, very long (as opposed to very long), and we can't have that, because then it would be all very, very long and stuff.
Decorating Senseless
Here is the actual voice memo (in MP3 format, 90k in size):
For those who can't understand my mumbling, I said, "Mom watching Home & Garden... and our decorating theme in our house is 'animal hair.'"
I would like to say this made sense when I recorded it. But as I remember, I was in bed, mostly asleep, when the thought (such as it is) struck me enough to record it. That was two months ago. I had completely forgotten about it until last night.
Mom watches the Home & Garden channel a lot. She's one of those people who has some sense of decorating style, so she finds useful things in what they show. Me, I sit there and make fun of the people on it. They're just so darned perky. And I can't even stand to watch the DIY (Do It Yourself) network. I feel the strong urge to slap everyone on there until they snap out of whatever drugs they're being given. No person is that relentlessly chipper without the aid of powerful narcotics.
One show I do like on Home & Garden is "What's With That House?" The host is a riot, and I love to ponder how often he bleaches his hair, and how much peroxide he must use. The show, as you might glean from the title, is about houses, and people who wonder what's with them. The host cracks wonderful jokes. He's spiffy.
So, anyway, getting back to whatever the point of this was... hold on, let me scroll up... ah, yes, the animal hair thing. As you may know, we have four cats, three dogs, and one guinea pig all living under one roof. That means, despite out best efforts (which, frankly, are pretty lame), there is animal hair everywhere.
So I've thought of a great idea for a new Home & Garden show called "Animal Instinct," or possibly not. Dunno. It would feature perky people with entirely too much time on their hands showing us inferior souls how to decorate our homes so that shed animal hair is a feature instead of a distraction. The more hair, the better. In fact, your home would actually go up in value the more pet hair there is.
Provide this idea catches on -- and I can't see why it wouldn't -- my house would be worth several gazillion dollars in a matter of weeks. Come to think of it, there could be a cross-over with that fashion channel thingy, which would show the latest clothing designs to incorporate the casual yet elegant dusting of animal hair on shirts, jackets, pants, etc. It's a look I personally sport, and I must say, it really is quite fetching.
These shows could also work on Animal Planet. I don't care, as long as I get paid a large fee for thinking up the idea. So if anyone out there works for any channel interested in my ideas, let me know. And remember: I prefer cash.
Tune in next time...
I'll be tackling the high mortality rate and questionable morality of fairy tales, or maybe the infernal mouse which lives in our house somewhere. Unless I forget. Hey, I know... I'll leave myself a voice memo.
(0) comments
Oh, sure, there are blogs out there which actually write about things like politics, human rights, low-flow toilets (gosh, I love Dave Barry!), that sort of thing. But that's not my style. No, my style is... um...
I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out. Don't hold your breath.
Okay, technically, I have three topics, as pointed out by the lovely Erin, based on some voice memos I've left for myself over the last few months. I think I'll split them up into different rambles, otherwise this one will be very, very long (as opposed to very long), and we can't have that, because then it would be all very, very long and stuff.
Decorating Senseless
Here is the actual voice memo (in MP3 format, 90k in size):
For those who can't understand my mumbling, I said, "Mom watching Home & Garden... and our decorating theme in our house is 'animal hair.'"
I would like to say this made sense when I recorded it. But as I remember, I was in bed, mostly asleep, when the thought (such as it is) struck me enough to record it. That was two months ago. I had completely forgotten about it until last night.
Mom watches the Home & Garden channel a lot. She's one of those people who has some sense of decorating style, so she finds useful things in what they show. Me, I sit there and make fun of the people on it. They're just so darned perky. And I can't even stand to watch the DIY (Do It Yourself) network. I feel the strong urge to slap everyone on there until they snap out of whatever drugs they're being given. No person is that relentlessly chipper without the aid of powerful narcotics.
One show I do like on Home & Garden is "What's With That House?" The host is a riot, and I love to ponder how often he bleaches his hair, and how much peroxide he must use. The show, as you might glean from the title, is about houses, and people who wonder what's with them. The host cracks wonderful jokes. He's spiffy.
So, anyway, getting back to whatever the point of this was... hold on, let me scroll up... ah, yes, the animal hair thing. As you may know, we have four cats, three dogs, and one guinea pig all living under one roof. That means, despite out best efforts (which, frankly, are pretty lame), there is animal hair everywhere.
So I've thought of a great idea for a new Home & Garden show called "Animal Instinct," or possibly not. Dunno. It would feature perky people with entirely too much time on their hands showing us inferior souls how to decorate our homes so that shed animal hair is a feature instead of a distraction. The more hair, the better. In fact, your home would actually go up in value the more pet hair there is.
Provide this idea catches on -- and I can't see why it wouldn't -- my house would be worth several gazillion dollars in a matter of weeks. Come to think of it, there could be a cross-over with that fashion channel thingy, which would show the latest clothing designs to incorporate the casual yet elegant dusting of animal hair on shirts, jackets, pants, etc. It's a look I personally sport, and I must say, it really is quite fetching.
These shows could also work on Animal Planet. I don't care, as long as I get paid a large fee for thinking up the idea. So if anyone out there works for any channel interested in my ideas, let me know. And remember: I prefer cash.
Tune in next time...
I'll be tackling the high mortality rate and questionable morality of fairy tales, or maybe the infernal mouse which lives in our house somewhere. Unless I forget. Hey, I know... I'll leave myself a voice memo.
(0) comments
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Return of the queen
I want you to know, loyal reader(s), I haven't abandoned you. You've been on my mind and in my heart since my last post, but I became sidetracked.
My major distraction was the creation of Tango the Wonder Kitty's month-old MySpace profile. It wasn't my idea to make it, it was Tango's. I just did the manual labor.
His friends list is for other cats, dogs, etc., and a select few humans. If you want to be one of the few, message him on MySpace about wanting to be a friend and that you know him from this blog.
I also have a MySpace profile, but it's pretty lame, since Tango makes me spend all my time doing his. I'm open to human friends, though, so feel free to send friend requests. If Tango lets me take time out from him, I'll be sure to approve you.
Tango's profile has his own blog, from his point of view. Check it out when you have time.
Oh, and I put up several photos of Tango and the other kitties at Flickr. They are adorable little twerps.
Really bad gas
You may recall my recent troubles with the Purple Plaything, which is still a Honda scooter and not a sex toy. It turns out I had a batch of crappy fuel, which was causing it run like it had rocks up its muffler, if you know what I mean.
I gave it some Tums, and it's running better now. Not great, but better.
Boring life as I know it
Another reason I haven't blogged is a simple one -- my life is very boring. Want to hear about the cereal I ate this morning? How about the new mouthwash I bought?
Yeah, me either.
If anything fairly interesting does happen, though, I'll let ya know. Or maybe I'll just make something up.
(0) comments
My major distraction was the creation of Tango the Wonder Kitty's month-old MySpace profile. It wasn't my idea to make it, it was Tango's. I just did the manual labor.
His friends list is for other cats, dogs, etc., and a select few humans. If you want to be one of the few, message him on MySpace about wanting to be a friend and that you know him from this blog.
I also have a MySpace profile, but it's pretty lame, since Tango makes me spend all my time doing his. I'm open to human friends, though, so feel free to send friend requests. If Tango lets me take time out from him, I'll be sure to approve you.
Tango's profile has his own blog, from his point of view. Check it out when you have time.
Oh, and I put up several photos of Tango and the other kitties at Flickr. They are adorable little twerps.
Really bad gas
You may recall my recent troubles with the Purple Plaything, which is still a Honda scooter and not a sex toy. It turns out I had a batch of crappy fuel, which was causing it run like it had rocks up its muffler, if you know what I mean.
I gave it some Tums, and it's running better now. Not great, but better.
Boring life as I know it
Another reason I haven't blogged is a simple one -- my life is very boring. Want to hear about the cereal I ate this morning? How about the new mouthwash I bought?
Yeah, me either.
If anything fairly interesting does happen, though, I'll let ya know. Or maybe I'll just make something up.
(0) comments
