Saturday, May 13, 2006


You like me, you really like me 


I am pleased to report I have received a ground swell of support from my loyal reading audience (3 people!) regarding my ramblings. That has inspired me to ramble again, despite the very real obstacle of not having an actual topic. That hasn't exactly stopped me before.

Oh, sure, there are blogs out there which actually write about things like politics, human rights, low-flow toilets (gosh, I love Dave Barry!), that sort of thing. But that's not my style. No, my style is... um...

I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out. Don't hold your breath.

Okay, technically, I have three topics, as pointed out by the lovely Erin, based on some voice memos I've left for myself over the last few months. I think I'll split them up into different rambles, otherwise this one will be very, very long (as opposed to very long), and we can't have that, because then it would be all very, very long and stuff.

Decorating Senseless

Here is the actual voice memo (in MP3 format, 90k in size):
For those who can't understand my mumbling, I said, "Mom watching Home & Garden... and our decorating theme in our house is 'animal hair.'"

I would like to say this made sense when I recorded it. But as I remember, I was in bed, mostly asleep, when the thought (such as it is) struck me enough to record it. That was two months ago. I had completely forgotten about it until last night.

Mom watches the Home & Garden channel a lot. She's one of those people who has some sense of decorating style, so she finds useful things in what they show. Me, I sit there and make fun of the people on it. They're just so darned perky. And I can't even stand to watch the DIY (Do It Yourself) network. I feel the strong urge to slap everyone on there until they snap out of whatever drugs they're being given. No person is that relentlessly chipper without the aid of powerful narcotics.

One show I do like on Home & Garden is "What's With That House?" The host is a riot, and I love to ponder how often he bleaches his hair, and how much peroxide he must use. The show, as you might glean from the title, is about houses, and people who wonder what's with them. The host cracks wonderful jokes. He's spiffy.

So, anyway, getting back to whatever the point of this was... hold on, let me scroll up... ah, yes, the animal hair thing. As you may know, we have four cats, three dogs, and one guinea pig all living under one roof. That means, despite out best efforts (which, frankly, are pretty lame), there is animal hair everywhere.

So I've thought of a great idea for a new Home & Garden show called "Animal Instinct," or possibly not. Dunno. It would feature perky people with entirely too much time on their hands showing us inferior souls how to decorate our homes so that shed animal hair is a feature instead of a distraction. The more hair, the better. In fact, your home would actually go up in value the more pet hair there is.

Provide this idea catches on -- and I can't see why it wouldn't -- my house would be worth several gazillion dollars in a matter of weeks. Come to think of it, there could be a cross-over with that fashion channel thingy, which would show the latest clothing designs to incorporate the casual yet elegant dusting of animal hair on shirts, jackets, pants, etc. It's a look I personally sport, and I must say, it really is quite fetching.

These shows could also work on Animal Planet. I don't care, as long as I get paid a large fee for thinking up the idea. So if anyone out there works for any channel interested in my ideas, let me know. And remember: I prefer cash.

Tune in next time...

I'll be tackling the high mortality rate and questionable morality of fairy tales, or maybe the infernal mouse which lives in our house somewhere. Unless I forget. Hey, I know... I'll leave myself a voice memo.


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