Monday, April 04, 2005

Remember me? And some toilet humor 



Okay, so I uh... well, I haven't posted recently. By recently, of course, I mean July of last year. I haven't been feeling well lately, and I just got sidetracked. But an email from the lovely Carla the other reminded me I've been entirely to lax in my rambling duties. I hereby resolve to possibly ramble again before next July, but I'm not promising anything.


To those of you who are still on the mailing list (you did remember you were on the list, right?), I thank you. To reward (???) you for your faithfulness, below is an account of a recent real life melodrama experienced by yours truly and Tango the Wonder Kitty.

Until next time, take care all. Tango says hi.

The Toilet Swirls

Setting: my bathroom, 5am, the other day

A half-naked woman named Celine finishes her business and tries to flush the toilet, only to have the handle flop about like a fish on land. The toilet won't flush.

Knowing nothing of the inner workings of commodes, she nevertheless removes the tank's lid fearlessly delves into its bowels (of the tank, that is). Oh, and she pulled up her pants. Not necessarily in that order.

She soon discovers, displaying an impressive intellect and astute deductive reasoning, that the handle, despite being made of quality plastic parts, is broken.

Tango the Wonder Kitty suddenly appears on the counter next to the toilet and begins to purr loudly. He likes it when things go wrong. He also tries to climb in the tank, despite it being filled with water. Or maybe because of it. He has tried to climb into a bathtub full of water in the past, after all. Repeatedly.

After moving Tango out of the way, Celine removes the handle and the bar thingie and the rubber chain thingie (to use technical plumbing terms), setting them on the counter while she thinks about her next move. Tango the Wonder Kitty picks up the rubber chain thingie in his mouth and tries to leave. Celine, used to Tango's devious ways, grabs it out of his mouth before he can disappear. Strangely, this only makes Tango purr more.

After waiting 2.5 hours for the hardware store to open, Celine zooms on down on the Purple Plaything (which is still a Honda scooter and not a sex toy) in the rain (of course it was raining) to buy a new tank lever thingie. She buys a metal one, thinking it would be sturdier than plastic. She's brilliant that way.

Arriving home, Celine tries to install the new lever thingie, only to discover it only sort of fits, leaving plenty of room for the handle to wiggle, since the new metal parts don't sit in the hole of the toilet tank properly. Which means, of course, a new lever needed to be purchased. This makes Tango happy, since that means Celine has to sit and fiddle with the toilet some more. His purring gets so loud it makes the floor shake.

By this time, Celine, who didn't actually get any sleep the night before, decides to just screw the whole thing and go to sleep. Who needs a toilet, anyway? The house does have two bathrooms, although the other one is filled with boxes and isn't what one might call accessible. Minor detail.

So after a nap cut short by the unreasonable need to urninate. It has been discovered by the other human occupant of the house that if one pulls up on the chain inside the tank, one can flush it without using the handle. Tango likes this solution, since that means removing the tank's lid, which means he can try to climb in it again.

But, alas, it's not exactly a practical solution, so back to the hardware store Celine goes. After examining approximately 12 million tank handle thingies, Celine is forced to select yet another plastic handle and lever, which looks exactly like the old one which broke, since it's the only one which will fit through the hole in the tank. This figures.

So, once again, Celine fiddles with the toilet, Tango purrs, the handle is replaced, and the toilet is once again in working order. Until the plastic breaks again.

Celine wouldn't be surprised if Tango, using his many feline skills, figures out a way to break the handle himself, just so Celine has to fix it again. Heck, she wouldn't be surprised if he broke it in the first place.

He could be doing so right now. Maybe it would be a good idea to stock up on toilet handle thingies. And buy stock in the company.

The End

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