Peanut M&Ms are dangerous. I ended up eating the contents of one "Big snack bag" throughout the course of yesterday and the day before. Which is to say, I ate most of them yesterday. And I still have a dispenser filled with milk chocolate M&Ms sitting here, too. This is bad, friends... very bad.

And it's not my fault. My brother had the nerve to get me a very spiffy roadster M&M dispenser for Christmas (pictured at right, click on it to get the bigger version), which, of course, came with M&Ms... and it rolls... vrroooom, vrrrrooooooom!! And then the store had another dispenser AND a holiday tin for half price, both of which contained M&Ms. So, obviously, I was forced into whole thing and it's not my fault.

Important Weather Alert!

In technical meteorological terms, it snowed. We had a few inches here, and about six where my brother lives. It's pretty... wanna see?

The Great Oregon Snowfall of December 29, 2003

We now return you to your regularly scheduled ramble.

In other news, my other brother had the nerve to buy me a DVD player (I have awesome brothers, I must say) which also plays MP3s, so I've been busy making MP3 discs to play in it... first of which was a Melissa Etheridge compilation, which includes a folder of images of her which I can setup to display on the TV while the music is playing.

I've also been watching movies (a novel concept), first of which was Finding Nemo, which I received from my mother (another awesome person). Yes, friends, I received both a cartoon and an M&M toy/dispenser for Christmas. Just because I'm an adult does not mean I have to act like one. Anyway, I absolutely adore Finding Nemo, so I've very happy to add it to my small but growing DVD collection.

In other other news, I am pleased to report all went well at my brother's house on Christmas Eve, dispite us not, technically, having been invited. No fights broke out, all of us were together, and it was good. After all, that's far more important than any gift, or grudge, or whatever.

In other other other news, folks are still finding this blog in interesting ways. Here are some recent keyword searches used:

• Ellen Degeneres men's watches
  
• dead fish jerry springer
  
• celine's dog sex
  
• days of our lives soap booger
  
• anderson cooper self made tan

I don't know what "celine's dog sex" is about, and quite frankly, I don't want to know. I also received an email from someone who apparently thinks I'm Celine Dion, the singer. It was a sweet email, but to the entirely wrong person. I just happen to share a name. So let me just make it clear right here:

I am NOT Celine Dion.

I wouldn't mind having her talent or money, but, alas, I have neither. Such is life.

Now, I'm off to go clean up after our recently departed Christmas tree, which left behind approximately twelve million needles.

I bet Celine Dion could just have someone do it for her.

I mean, heck, she could just buy an entirely new house and leave the needles in her old one, never having to think of them again.

Not that I'm bitter.

Much.

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As I write this, I'm sitting by the glow of my computer monitor, printing up copies of my festive yet mostly fictitious holiday newsletter. Tango the Wonder Kitty is perched in front of the printer, waiting for the paper to come out so he can play with it. Mother is in the other room with stacks of Christmas cards yet to be addressed and mailed. The Christmas tree is in the living room, awaiting decorations and lights. It's been waiting for three days inside the house, and two weeks outside. All the presents have been purchased (which lefts us more broke than usual), but most have yet to be wrapped. We're supposed to go to my oldest brother's house for Christmas Eve but he's not speaking to us right now (there may have been a reason, but I'm not recalling it just now), so who knows what will happen there.

Yes, friends, it's the holiday season. It wouldn't be Christmas if it were any other way. Isn't it like that for everyone? I wouldn't know how to act or what to think if things were so-called normal. This is my normal. It wouldn't be right if there weren't at least one major disagreement in the family this time of year. The song "Merry Christmas From the Family" by Jill Sobule (or various other artists -- check out the lyrics here) is the reality of Christmas... and that's okay.

So, to get in the spirit, I'm listening to the funny Ray Stevens' "Christmas - Through a Different Window" CD, which has all kinds of appropriate songs... in fact, I put the lyrics to "Xerox Christmas Letter" on the backs of our own holiday newsletter. You should read the lyrics. You'll know why I keep mine fictional. Reality would be too boring to write, let alone send to others to read.

Oh, hey... while I'm here, I'd like you to read a poem I wrote. It's a heartfelt tribute to Christmas, drawing on the depths of my very soul. Or not. It is...

A Christmas Dilemma

May it fill you with a strong sense of... um... well, something.

In other news, last night, both the rottweiler and the chow ended up underneath the Christmas tree at various times. I'm not sure how either managed to fit under there. The rottweiler, Shasta, went under there because one of my cats, Pesha, was under there, and Shasta is obsessed with the cat. I don't know why. Shasta follows Pesha around constantly and just looks at her. Pesha, for her part, finds great joy in engaging in what amounts to a show speed chase, just because she can. She walks across the room in her typical slow manner, and Shasta follows right behind her, fascinated. The cats like to get underneath the couch via the velcro closures on the back, and when Pesha's under there, Shasta sits in front of the couch, with her nose shoved under the edge. She can stay there for quite a long time, just doing nothing, waiting for Pesha to come out. They have an interesting relationship.

Tai, the chow, probably has no idea why he went under the tree. He's not exactly a bright dog. He regularly walks to the back door like he wants out, but when I open the door for him, he looks up at me as if to say, "What do I do now?" Then he walks away and lays down. Or, he'll be sound asleep when all of the sudden just jump straight up like he hears something, takes a look around, and then he'll go right back to sleep. He's a sweetie, but he's not very bright.

On a happy holiday note, Shasta received a nice Christmas present yesterday from her previous family. They sent her a Christmas stocking filled with dog toys, and signed it from the dog Shasta grew up with, a much bigger rottweiler named Zeus. Shasta wasn't all that interested in the toys, but Tango did find the ball quite fun to play with. He picked it up in his mouth and took off with it. So I took a picture of Shasta almost wearing a Santa hat and put it in a frame which says 'woof' on it and mailed it off today.

In Christmas presents news, I decided to give each of my nieces and nephews (of which I have five) picture slide show music videos for Christmas. I'm obviously stupid. I ended up scanning roughly 200 pictures, not to mention all the digital photos I culled. And then I had to crop and touch up all of them, not to mention find appropriate music... and then create the gosh forsaken videos. I have exactly one almost finished. It's encoding as I ramble. And, since not all of my siblings have DVD players, I'm doing them in two formats... regular VHS tapes and VCDs (video compact discs) to play on compatible DVD players. Why did I decide to do all this? I'm obviously stupid.

I know why -- it snowed last month, and I put the video I took and some pictures of it on my computer and made a silly little vide out of it. My mother saw it and thought how great that would be to do for the grandkids. Not that she's the one doing it, of course. Nope, it's all me. Poor, poor me. It's a good thing all my nieces and nephews are cute, 'cause I'm sure seeing a lot of them via all these pictures.

Well, it's bedtime, so I best be off. Strangest thing has been happening lately... I've actually been sleeping. At night. So I should get in bed and do it again. I've also started liking pepper.... I have no idea why. Anyway, take care all, and should I not ramble between now and whatever holiday you celebrate next, have a happy one.

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I'm so proud. Some of you may remember the pumpkin I made for Halloween which looked like an M&M. Well, I sent it off to the M&M web site, and they put it up on their scrapbook page. Granted, they seem to put up anything people send them, but that's not the point. The point is, my pumpkin is on the M&M site. Wanna see?

http://photos.mms.com/scrapbook/page2.html

That page may change as they add new stuff, so if you go there and don't see a spiffy pumpkin, then click on the next page or 30. It will be there somewhere.

Adopt a wolf and other animals

Want to do something rather cool? Of course you do. You read my ramblings, so we know you're already incredibly cool, not to mention smart.

Heh.

Anyway, Care2.com has a rather nifty thing where you can sponsor a wolf, polar bear, dolphin, and a few others... and you won't even have to clean up after them. Check it out:

http://www.care2.com/go/z/9418

We did this for my sister-in-law, who absolutely adores wolves, for her Christmas present this year. She'll get a certificate of adoption and a plush wolf toy. You can get it in time for Christmas, so if you're looking for a gift which is unique and for a good cause, considering giving this one, and know you're doing something to help another in need.

It will be something your loved one will likely never forget, and is truly in the spirit of Christmas.

In other news...

While I'm here. I read a story today by Meghan O'Brien called Endgame. The description, taken from the Royal Academy of Bards: "Delaney, a self-confessed cad and commitment-phobe, meets a woman she shouldn't play. However, it's also the one woman she can't resist." It's alt (lesbian-themed), complete, and very well written. Remember to read the disclaimers first, as it deals with a sensitive subject.

I'm off to go cool down after the love scene I just read in that very story. A cold shower is definitely in order. Take care, all.

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A rundown of things since we last conversed:

• Is the dishwasher still broken and not replaced? Check. The replacement is still at my brother's house. He's been rather busy helping us with other stuff. See below.
  
  
• Is the waterbed still leaking and not replaced? Checkaroo. It's presently sitting on the patio all cut up into pieces, as we had to take part of it off to mail it to the manufacturer. Once they receive it, they'll send us a new one. The mattress looks like a whale who became confused and beached on the patio, and then sprung a leak and deflated.
  
  
• Is the dryer still broken and not replaced? Nope, we actually have a new dryer, courtesy of my two brothers. It's white and light blue. It would look good in a baby's room. My brother installed it tonight, with only a minimal amount of cursing. For him.
  
  
• Important late breaking dryer update: Well, we used it for the first time tonight. After a few minutes, one of our smoke detectors, which resides in the hallway next to the utility room, went off (and damn is it loud), and the dryer was very, very warm. So the dryer has been unplugged. Back to square one.
  
  
• Is my mom's laptop keyboard still broken and not replaced? Nope, the new one arrived (all $86 worth) and was installed. Computer is now functioning properly once more. Mom has been given strict orders to guard it with her life.
  
  
• Is my rottweiler, Shasta, stupid? Abso-checkin'-lutely. A couple days ago, she decided to run to my mother's bedroom to eat a treat she was given. She didn't bother to look where she was going, and ran head first right into the closed door. The 'thud' noise she made was rather loud. She's okay, but she was a bit dazed for a bit afterwards.

Also, in "it figures" news, our lovely low flow toilet, which backs up more often than most people use the bathroom during the average day, hasn't backed up once since I bought a new plunger.

In food news, I had my first Krispy Kreme donut today, and let me just say this: I'm in love. Which really sucks, because there aren't any Krispy Kreme donut stores around here (the nearest is over an hour away), nor do any of the grocery stores sell them. I acquired mine through a fundraiser. Now that I've had a taste, I want a full-time supplier. I need my fix, man! I need more! Please, I'll do anything, I'll... uh. Hmm. Well, maybe not anything, exactly. And it's not exactly good for my already over extended waistline. But, still. They're really good.

In actually doing something productive news, I wrote the family Christmas letter the other day. Here is the first and last paragraphs:
Here we are once again, celebrating the closing of another eventful year, and we all made it through with all of our various limbs, vital organs, etc., more or less in tact. As you read on to hear all about our lives, take warmth in the knowledge that all arrests will eventually be expunged from our permanent records once the community service has been completed.

We wish all of you a merry Christmas, and hope you have a joyous new year. Take care, and don’t forget to keep in touch. After all, we’re pretty sure all of those restraining orders have expired by now. Happy holidays!
Whatcha think? Sure beats hearing about how Susie graduated from Yale first in her class and won the lottery and married Bill Gates and has 2.5 kids and a dog named Buddy, all with perfect teeth. I try to keep our holiday letters as fictional as possible. If people had to read about what really happens in this family, they'd never speak to us again.

I'm off now to go admire the new dryer. You know, the plunger I bought the other day is purple... it would look good against the white and blue backdrop of the dryer. Yes, yes, that's it... that's... uh, very, very sad. I am so in need of a life. Until then, I'll go stare at inanimate objects. Take care, all.

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And now, the artistic portion of our program...

Ode To Broken Appliances and Things
By Celine the Rambling Queen

What has broken in my house? Let me count the things:

There was the dishwasher, once steadfast and true
Until the cats and dogs broke its door, oh and hinges too
Even the plunger developed a crack
It's far too late to take it back
So I had to buy one completely brand new

We had a dryer, once full of warmth and spin
Now it's only fit to rot and rust in the garbage bin
Now my mother's waterbed
Sprung a leak and now it's dead
So, of course, she now has no bed to sleep tight in

We can't forget the keyboard to her laptop
Once was working, now it's a big flop
I don't want to know what's next
Because this all has me vexed
And my small budget, it surely did it chop

So I will let you know what I did decide
Which is to run far, far so away I can hide
From whatever will break
I just don't need the headache
To tell you the truth, my brain is quite fried!

So that's been my life, as of late. The waterbed is still under warranty, so at least that isn't so bad... though getting it to the store where it was bought (in another town) and replaced has yet to occur. A king-sized waterbed mattress, even void of water, just isn't gonna fit on my scooter.

Having all these things break just before Christmas has kinda put a strain on my already quite strained finances. Do you think I could get away with giving broken items to my family members as gifts? "A cracked dishwasher which won't close! It's what I've always wanted!!" I'll be so popular at the family gathering this year.

I'm off to go mail some things I've sold to try to pay for all this (okay, a small portion of this), so I best sign off. Take care this holiday season, friends, and do try to stay free of any breakage, won't you? I'd hate to think my readers were broken, too. Cracked, yes, but not broken.

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